Unhealthy Food
by Cochrane
Summary: Not everything is as it seems in magical Britain's largest kitchen. Between house elves vying for the coveted "kitchen chief" spot, someone has tried to poison Hogwart's food. He will almost certainly try again, and it is up to Harry to stop him.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I'm not quite sure what the point of these disclaimers is. Either it is a copyright violation or not, and fanfiction is. That being said, as far as I know JK Rowling has not objected to fanfiction that did not try to pretend it was official and that was not sold for money. Both apply here, so I hope this is okay._

_Real author's note: There is nothing more inspiring than bad fanfiction. In this case, the idea sprang from one that explained in great detail how much food one would need for a training session, where it came from and so on (sorry, can't recall the title right now) and then went on to explain other boring stuff in great detail. I thought one could write a good story about the inner workings of Hogwarts, though. Not sure if this is it, but if it isn't, I hope it will at least inspire someone to write better things instead._

* * *

As every transfiguration student knew, you couldn't just let food appear out of thin air. That was the problem. Oh, sure, wizards could make it appear as if they did so (nobody enjoys a good light show more than a powerful wizard), but magic would sooner or later demand it back. This was known as the Ulfrickson's principle, after Sir Ulfrickson, who woke up in January 1213 with most of his intestines missing after a particularly large meal.

The easiest way to repay the magic was to prepare an equivalent meal somewhere, together with some incantations so easy that even house elves could make them. This was the default method in all large wizarding kitchens, if alone to save on meal transportation. And there was no larger wizarding kitchen than the one in Hogwarts.

Dobby inspected the lettuce list for this week. Resource management in a kitchen this large was not an easy task. Apart from several hundred students and many teachers, the kitchen also prepared all food for the house elves, for the mere people (the food deliveries were part of the contract that allowed the founders to build Hogwarts in the first place), fourth and fifth helpings for Hagrid and his pets and so on. Being in charge of the kitchen was the greatest honor a house elf could hope to achieve, a position on par with a teacher. And as supreme master and vice roy of purchasing, Dobby was well on his way to reach that spot. No sir, Dobby was not squandering the gift of clothes that Master Harry had given him.

The lettuce list was uneventful, so he signed it off and turned to the meat manifest. Item after item was uneventful… no, wait, that one wasn't. He checked again, and the result made his eyes pop out (strictly forbidden in front of wizards. The sight of house elf eyes popping out even more is so frightening that several are said to have died from it). What to do? He couldn't tell his boss, or he'd loose his job immediately. He certainly couldn't expect help from the house elves he managed. Friendly as they were, none of them would mind if his job was open again. There was really only one person who could help him right now. With a loud crack, he disapparated.

* * *

Harry did not sleep well. There were the lingering feelings of guilt over the death of Sirius, the general uncertainty about the prophecy, but most of all, there was a house elf who had just apparated into his dorm room. Harry had long ago decided to stop considering this, or in fact anything, unusual, but there could still be no doubt that it was not helpful for getting a good night's sleep.

"Dobby… hi… sorry, still sleepy… what is it?"

"Master Harry must come with Dobby! There is great danger for Hogwarts and Master Harry's friends! Quickly!"

"Isn't there always… let me just get my…"

"No time! Master Harry must come right now!"

Harry listened. There was no sound of explosions anywhere, and the rest of the dorm room seemed to be sleeping. Still, evil had come at all times of day before, so he nodded to Dobby and started to get out of bed. The house elf was quicker, however. He grabbed Harry's arm and after a quick pop, Harry found himself in an undercellar that probably belonged to the kitchen, in a corner that seemed to have been transformed into some sort of office. He wanted to ask Dobby, but the elf was already gone again. After two more cracks, Ron and Hermione, both just as groggy as Harry himself, appeared as well.

"Mornn' Hry… wassup?" Ron groaned. Hermione wasn't more enthusiastic either.

"Wanted to sleep…"

"No sleep! Important problem!" Dobby had reappeared, talking in what was probably a normal voice, but seemed incredibly loud right now. He was, however, carrying a small tray with three cups of coffee, which helped brighten the mood a little. After a few sips, they all approached consciousness.

"Okay, so where exactly are we?" Ron asked.

"Looks like part of the kitchen storage rooms, but _Hogwarts: A History_ is surprisingly vague about this part of the castle. I wonder why." Hermione was clearly upset that they had managed to find the one part of the school that her favorite book did not cover in detail.

"Is because wizards not be allowed down here. Kitchen is house elves realm. We sometimes invite friends such as you Masters, but Filch has to talk through door." Dobby seemed mighty proud of his kitchen. Then he furrowed his brow. "You masters better not enter without Dobby. That would not be good."

"Wait, are you saying house elves would attack us?"

"House elves like work. House elves not like interruption. Hogwarts house elves special. Last time wizard tried to enter by force, whole school in riot. 1768."

Hermione had found her footing again. "1768? But that was the year of the war about the new Bremham-Stolder curriculum, wasn't it?"

"Aye, Mistress Hermione, fight turned to that. Fighting started when bad wizard wanted inspect kitchen cleanliness. This kitchen be always clean. No inspections."

"Right, yeah… but why did you wake us up?" Ron was still sleepy.

"Masters have to see this."

Dobby spread out a huge pile of parchment on the desk. Harry could glimpse some of the titles, including pear protocols, beverage bills and tomato tables, each for specific time periods, but Dobby quickly brought up the most recent meat manifest.

"Look there, Master Harry! Salted orkik sides, twenty-three of them! Dobby no order no such thing, but it here on order form" - he pulled out another piece of parchment - "and that no Dobby's writing!"

Harry was confused "Okay, so someone ordered salty something without permission. How bad is that? I mean, can't you just find who did that? Send it back?"

"It's not that simple, Harry. Orkik sides look like chicken, taste like chicken, and ten to fifteen minutes after you ate them, you're dead", Hermione explained. "That amount would be enough to kill… 80 students at least. That would be bad indeed."

"Unless it's for Slytherin" Ron interjected, which earned him an icy glare from Hermione.

"Okay… so what do we do?" Harry asked Dobby. "If I read this deposit diagram right, you already dumped it all as 'doese nots meet quality requirements'. Maybe that was just some error?"

"No, Master Harry, this ise worse. Not even a great wizard such as Harry Potter can just buy orkik meat. This came smuggled in."

"Bloody good smuggler that is, leaving his smuggled goods on the list." Ron remarked.

"Don't be stupid, Ron. These lists are clearly magical and register anything that goes in. And I guess without the faked order, some spell would have sounded an alarm at the delivery." Hermione glanced at Dobby to confirm her theory and was relieved to see that he nodded.

"Dobby is supposed to store order form so that nobody can add to it. Someone added to it. That evil wizard nearly killed hundreds, and it is Dobby's fault! Bad Dobby!" Harry had to quickly restrain the elf as he tried to beat himself to death with a ruler that was placed on his desk. After several reminders that it was Dobby who had saved all their lives, he finally calmed down.

"Masters must see that this is horrible! The dark wizard or someone tried to poison us. Tomorrow he will see that masters are still alive. He will know Dobby stopped him, and he will try again. Masters must find him and kill him or else we all die!"

After a momentary pause, Ron spoke.

"Okay, so… no pressure. So how do we start?"

Dobby looked up.

"Perhaps it be best if Dobby give Masters a tour."


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: Here's another chapter. It's great to see that there are people who like what I wrote, thank you! I hope this one does not disappoint you._

You'd think a real life magical kitchen, where all the tasty food for the school came from, prepared by small, devoted, magical helpers, would be an amazing, beautiful place that inspired hunger in you. Harry would have certainly thought that. But over his life, he had managed to build a good, calm reaction to being disappointed, especially when it came to things like food, so he had no trouble accepting reality. Ron, on the other hand, was not so lucky.

"Yuck! This smells horrible, like a deceased gnome in here. Wait, is that blood? What kind of blood? Oh my…"

Hermione, finally, was positively delighted to get entrance into an area so secret that none of the books about the school could say anything about it other than "There's also a kitchen". She was frantically scribbling notes down for what Harry assumed would one day become her own book on the subject. Which might actually be an interesting book, come to think of it, because underneath a layer of chaos and gooey stuff that might one day become their supper, the kitchen was a pretty impressive operation. House elves with towel-tunics of various colors ran around, not all the same as he had seen previously. Small corners were full of elves busy managing the various parts of the operation. There was even a lone elf in a dark-green towel underneath a sign that read "Marketing". As far as Harry could see, that elf seemed relatively bored.

Their first stop was the unloading station, where two freight cars were waiting on a short piece of track while a number of elves were unloading anchovies. Dobby introduced them to the loading manager, a small elf wearing a bright, yellow towel with reflective stripes on the back. His name was Casey, and although he complained that he was currently completely overworked due to an elf being ill, he was absolutely delighted to tell them all about the operations of their small branch of the North Magical Main Line from London to Hogsmeade in great detail. Hogwarts was apparently importing several tons of ingredients per day, many of which vanished in stockpiles for bad situations, as Dobby explained. For this reason, owls, brooms or apparition were really only used for special spices and other light stuff that needed to be transported fast. While Hermione and Ron listened to this with great interest, Harry decided to wander around and chat with some of the working elves.

That proved difficult, as it always is when you try to casually chat with someone who considers you to be the greatest wizard who ever lived. Still, the results were clear enough: None of them had actual contact to the food. It was always delivered in crates or barrels, and the first and only time they would see it in the open was when they were eating it in the elf dining hall. He was walking back to the others when his eye fell on some wooden boards, presumably from a damaged crate. They seemed to be pointing at something, so he turned to and noticed something weird about a part of the wall. The stones just happened to end so that a perfect rectangle appeared. Harry carefully knocked on some of the stones, and suddenly the wall swung inwards. Casey saw what he was doing and hurried towards him, screaming "Don't Master Harry!" at the top of his lungs. But it was too late. Harry was already inside.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Ron, Hermione, Harry, Dobby and Casey were sitting together in Casey's office-corner, not the easiest of tasks considering that all chairs were elf-sized. Casey was bound by a couple of quick spells, while Dobby interrogated him.

"So Casey has _only_ taken food for the stockpile, replaced it with rocks, and sold again? Yes, Dobby can see how this is much better." Harry was not aware that Dobby was physically capable of sarcasm before, but there was a first time for everything.

"Please, sir Dobby! Casey is a bad elf and will punish himself if you let him, but Casey is no murderer! Casey did not order the poison. Please, Lady Hermione, will you help me? You see, Casey owed some money to some bad people…"

Hermione seemed to soften up, but Ron would have none of it.

"You should know how often Dad has heard that one. 'Oh please, I just sold these jumping street lights to pay money back to some evil wizards…'"

"Jumping street lights?" Harry was intrigued.

"Nasty stuff. When a car passes by and nobody is around to see it, they jump right onto the street. Killed ten muggles last year, and hundreds more were hurt. And of course they won't pay with their insolence… or something like that."

"You mean insurance? Anyway, I wouldn't be so hard on him. He is just another oppressed creature trying to…" Hermione was interrupted by Dobby.

"Casey not oppressed. Casey has done his five years of service and could have had clothes at any time. But Casey chose to stay and steal from the school!"

Now Hermione was confused. "Five years of service…"

"A Hogwarts house elf can ask for clothes after five years of work. But if you want to stay here, there is no point, so most don't. Surely Madame Granger knew this?"

She suddenly blushed and stammered, "Well, I… of course, I mean…"

Harry decided that a change of topics would be best.

"Wait a second. Casey, for your scam to work, you would have to fake the spice sheets and whatever else, otherwise it would have been noticed, wouldn't it? So if you had truly tried to poison the school, Dobby would not have noticed it."

All nodded, Dobby grudgingly, Casey enthusiastically.

"That is right, kind, great Master Harry! Casey knew how to modify the lists. Casey or one of the the relves has to check the list, and if it was Casey's turn…"

"Alright. So whose turn was it for this delivery with the poison?"

Ron suddenly spoke up. "Let me guess, the one who didn't turn up today?"

Casey looked surprised. "Indeed, Master Ron, Viola did not show up for work today. How did Master Ron know that?"

"Well, isn't that the standard in every Johnathan Brutal novel?" Seeing Harry and Hermione's looked, Ron rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me you never heard of the adventures of Chudley Stills, junior auror? I gotta lend you some books, those are awesome! Like how he defeated the Oker valley killer…"

"Later, maybe. First of all, we have to find Viola."

* * *

As a matter of fact, that was quite easy, but not all that helpful. Viola lay in her bed, cut neatly into two halves by probably a separation spell, one that every house elf needed to know to cut big slices of meat. As Harry and the others stared in shock, Casey actually threw up. It took a few minutes before Harry spoke again.

"Okay, so this might not be as easy as we thought…"


End file.
